I was talking about the books I was writing to my agent, and she asked me what I’d do if this was my ‘reality’ forever, and how others have been feeling about the fact that I’m still struggling with headaches and more.
So. While I don’t want to point out stuff that someone has said as if it was a bad thing, because it’s not, not really. But there have been conversations or points in conversations that I want to address – either to highlight cause others might have wanted to ask, or because, I guess, they didn’t realise and it was hard to do what I’ve done, or that things aren’t quite as they seem.

So. I guess this is a little bit of mythbusting, or answering the questions I think people want to know.

1. I’m not – really – writing – Reality

One of my friends asked me what was new in my writing, and I said that quite honestly, there was nothing on my docket, and that I wasn’t actually writing many new things, just working on the various things I need to get finished. I’m editing, which I’m happy about, but new writing – for example, Adana’s extensive rewrites, I can’t really say there’s anything going on there. I wish there was, but I’m also hoping to work outa way to get my office sorted and will be back in there from next week.
But I have also been writing the book that goes with this blog. So some of these posts will be part of the book, and there’s more there that needs filled up.

2. I may never get better – reality

Despite trying to be approachable and honest about what I’m dealing with right now, it’s been really very hard to make sure people understand but, I guess, one of the few things that seems to have been missed. A lot of people keep referring to ‘when she’s better’. But, if I’m waiting ‘until I’m better,’ it may never, ever happen. I guess that’s my reality now too. I don’t know if it’s the most imporant thing to say, but I’m also absolutley sure that there’s no reason to keep it from people. My life is complicated now. Every choice I make is about the way I get to where I want to be. I have to basically spend a lot of time in the morning looking into what I have to do, what I’d like to do and then make a best guess on what I can manage. And that might change throughout the day.
I can’t say I’m not trying though.

3. No one really knows what causes this – reality

A lot of the people I know, like me, are troubleshooters. They want to fix things. And I’m sad to say that because we don’t know what caused this, we can’t say what might fix it. so, it’ sbeen difficult to deal with questions asking what they should do. And the answer is I don’t know. I can’t tell people what to do, I can’t suggest how it’ll be better, and I honestly don’t know what will change what we’re dealing with now.

4. Yes, this will be a book. No, I don’t know what tone it’ll have

While I’m trying to be hopeful, I really can’t say if it’ll be a happy book, an honest book, or both. And whether it’ll be upbeat. I really think that it’ll probably lead on from Run Girl, Run, but as that’s asked for edits, and more emphasis on recovery AND psychosis, it’s been a bit difficult to really talk about living through what I did.

5. I don’t really remember much of the pandemic – reality

I hade to say it, but there’s been a lot of conversations around ‘what do you remember?’ aimed at me. I’m in the unenviable position that I see how fallible other memories are, and the things others remember don’t match up with my notes, my livejournal, my Facebook, and I’m surprised at how difficult people have to place memories in timelines themselves.

When I talk to a lot of my friends that I’ve met after this, still are surprised that I don’t remember, despite the fact I only have full memories up to 2020. And actually, I don’t even really have them. I have fragments. There’s some media stuff that I haven’t retained (TV shows I watched or movies. For example, I don’t actually remember much of the Marvel movies). I don’t know if there’s a reason for that or not, but, I know things were rough for us as a family, and they could read a lot into that, whereas, I think it’s just…arbitrary. And I’m still getting little snippets back each time.

6. Muscle memory is definitely a thing – reality

One of the few things that really startled me is that though I don’t have the stamina to keep up with a lot of what we do at LudoSport, I do have memory of almost every move I used regularly. I’m a bit unsure of some of the later moves, but I even demonstrated and was instinctively turning away to move into a sort of Form 3 kind of concept, instead of sticking on the move and doing it.
But I can demonstrate almost everything. I get frustrated with some of the moves, because I know what I should be doing but I get…tangled I guess. But I don’t remember being taught.
I do however, remember snippets when dealing with people regularly. Which is fun. And a bit scary if I’m honest. I’m in a position where I know, based on what I’ve got written down, that I trust people. But I don’t know how to do that when m body says one thing, and my notes say another.

7. How does this affect your (various thing) plans? – reality

Books – I’ll have to work on that myself.
Family plan – David and I are working through it. No matter how well meaning people are, please stop telling me pregnant people don’t get migraines. We have a life outside of the things I talk about, and I’ve touched on it before, in passing, but I’ve miscarried (double digit) times. We may be at the bottom of that – I’ve had iron, and B12 and other treatments, and I’m ‘better’, at least from those forms of anaemia.
(other stuff) – honestly? Pass. I don’t know everything I had planned before this happened. I have my notes, but I’m not sure whether I’m doing work with that now.

So. Yeah. Reality. At least for me, right now.
Once again, I want to thank everyone for their continued support and care. I never thought, when this all started in October of 2023, I’d be sitting here, 20 weeks later, still waiting for the headache to end.