An anonymous friend asked: “how has your mental health been since dealing with the memory loss and have you struggled with anything unusual?”

Anon

I was actually really lucky this weekend, as I got to talk this through with friends that were asking similar things. (and a huge thank you to said friends. I was only there to spectate, so it was a nice, chill day :))
So. First thing – I’m pretty sure that no matter what, this isn’t going to be good for anyone’s mental health. I was asked, right at the beginning, if this could be something to do with my mental health, so I’ll address that later in this post, but having chatted with the person that asked me and clarified what they meant, the first focus – and only thing they thought of – was how this had impacted my day to day mental health.

Variations on a theme

One of the first things that became really obvious was how… placid I’d become. I’m notorious for asking a million questions, researching, then asking more before agreeing to anything. I frequently refuse MRI’s or CT’s because I just don’t like them – I don’t like the noise, I don’t like the dye they sometimes give me, I don’t like any of it. I argue meds constantly. I debate and refuse meds that I know are dangerous and I always ask about black box warnings, but, because that happened in ‘the gap’, I nearly accepted meds I shouldn’t have because I react poorly to them.

In short? I became a LOT calmer for a bit. It was almost as if I was operating in a safe mode of sorts. There are things, I guess, I can’t really contrast properly. I’m wary of strangers in a different way now – and that became really obvious this weekend unfortunately. I didn’t mean to, but because I wasn’t sure of the…protocol, we put our stuff down and I was sitting alone for a bit. It’s slowly ramping up again now, but for a while there, you could get me to say ‘ok’ to just about anything that I didn’t recognise immediately as an issue.

I feel a lot of grief, though I can’t really explain why. It’s as if a part of me knows that I’m missing connections, and can’t remake them, easily at least, so I get sad. I *miss* training with friends, even f I can’t actually tell you who they are. I still go some Tuesdays now, but it’s been…difficult lately.
That’s been 16 weeks so far. I got to meet a lot of friends this weekend, and ‘re-meet them’ as it were, which left me feeling more settled. And sad too, in a way, because I’ve lost a whole quarter of a year with only having diaries to explain who they are, and why I know them. And, given that both David and I are still trying for a family, lost time is always….lost time.

With that, while making myself go around and hand out tablet, I couldn’t look some people in the eye, because I didn’t want to see their hurt when it became clear I didn’t know them. But, because I’m less nervous, at least I did a couple of circuits of the hall and fed people tablet (it’s a Scottish sweet). I’d never have had the courage to do that.

A lot of the issues are in my head

I’m aware that what’s going on with me is not only unusual, but potentially something no one around me has ever encountered before. I work hard to work out who people are through context, but…I’ve made a couple of mistakes because I didn’t keep track properly. So, I met a few people that said “Hi!” and grinned at me, and I felt *really* self-conscious. And when people start realising that, being all British, (that was a joke this weekend too) that we all start endlessly apologising.
And I am ashamed. It feels very…wrong to not know certain things, to know people that greet me warmly. To not understand how I’m feeling. And while I’m a lot more placid, I am also FAR quicker to get frustrated. And my reaction to that is anger at myself. But, I’m very much prepared for people to be annoyed, or not believe me, or be offended that I’m not sure who they are as I’ve encountered that a few times online,

But, as was true before I still have a problem with psychosis (she’s a lot quieter, but I’m pretty sure that’s a pain reaction rather than it being a subsidence in that ‘symptom’), and I still feel like I’m failing people. How exactly do I help people if I don’t know them?
The answer to that is do as I’m told. And I’ve been very lucky that everyone has been very kind about it. I know how bad that *could* be – I’ve misunderstood things said to me, and gotten quite upset and it’s hard to explain because I have a completely different dataset – with lots of missing knowledge – and there’s always a hesitation in me before I do something. In part because I’m gaining information a lot faster now, but also, I have to evaluate extra things. Do I still know how to do it? Is there something I need to find to do it.
As the weeks to by, I’ve learned new ways to do things, and it’s been quite funny because I’ve learned some stuff that isn’t the way I used to do it, and while I’m aware it seems alien to me, I can’t explain why. In short, I spend a LOT of time thinking.

Then, there’s always pain

Whether it’s a low grade background headache like I’m getting hot, or dehydrated, of I’m feeling the pain at the start of a migraine and it sticks there, right the way through to ‘I woke up a week and a half ago (from this post) and I couldn’t see.’ levels of pain.
It has settled, somewhat, of course, but I am also finding that when I get a ‘pain spike’, it’s much more rapid than a normal migraine. Triggers are everything from thinking too hard (I think you can see the problem there), to strong smells, to flashing lights, directly in my face. Once that happens, I *become* photosensitive, but I’ve been really fortunate that it hasn’t really caused many issues with duelling and training. And muscle memory, it’s a fricking wonderful thing.

But I’m always feeling some sort of headache. Some days, I only get one or two ice-pick feelings in my head. Others? It’s constant, consistent and exhausting.

There will be a part two to this, because it touches on whether they thought I’d ended up with these issues directly related to my mental health. That’s also sort of this question, but wasn’t meant, so that’s coming soon.

Finally, the unusual

As it was specifically asked in with the question, if I experienced anything unusual.
I think two things especially stand out to me – I am not a person that easily trusts, and I don’t hug, but I’ve discovered with these people, it’s understood I don’t, and it’s considered an honour to get me to hug. I find it easier with females than males, but I still… brace I guess.
The other thing I really find weird, beyond the grief, which I’ll talk about later too, is that there are isolated things I remember. I’ve been interacting with people that I used to train with, and the fist few weeks, I was introduced to them, and I saw how…. sad they were that I didn’t recognise them, properly at least, but I’d get some isolated…thing from each of them. I knew one taught me my newest form, another was known for certain things. Blurting that out, completely at random, lead to people giggling a lot, but sometimes, it’s probably not the…wisest thing to say out loud. What’s weirder is that most of my memories that fit with everything I know, have…connections . These are like snapshots. There’s no context, it’s just a scrap of information, and it’s *super* disconcerting.

Over to you

I’m hoping to make ‘asked and my answers’ a regularish thing on the blog, but I need questions. You can ask anonymously, or by name with one link (though, I do ask if you do that, you share my answer to your question, as you’ll be getting traffic from the blog potentially).

You can fill in the form for it below.